Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
