Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
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