i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
