my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
