remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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