I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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