Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
