she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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