my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
