You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
