Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize