Moan for me like Helen Keller
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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