I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
