I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
