you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
this is an emotional support booty call
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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