Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I need moral support for this bender
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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