you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
