I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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