tequila makes me forget i have legs
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
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