you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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