i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
