Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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