My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
my liver is dry heaving
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
