when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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