It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
The best revenge is premature balding
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize