I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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