i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Houston, we have a blender
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
