Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
