Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize