Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
