you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
