Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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