she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
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