A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
