The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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