Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
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