yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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