I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
