so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
