Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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