I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
