You're so nebulous sometimes
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
