My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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