I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Randomize
