Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
