Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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