you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Randomize
