found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
i love accidental penises.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
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