Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
