if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
