I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
