I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
