4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
