have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
