Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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