Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
