Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
