You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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