How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
