so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize