Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
