Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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