I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize